have it this way
by walnutsandoaks
Summary: Spun off from S05E05. More of a drabble than anything else. DS.


**(A/N: I haven't written for my first ship in a very long time, and I thought I'd do something after that glorious last episode. Here's to Derena coming back. Enjoy!)**

"...it's just that I thought I was yours too." Her words keep repeating in his head, and he can't help wondering, can't help remembering, everything and anything. Flashbacks pour forward, the good and the bad. Their first pool date, their first kiss, their first masquerade ball, their first Christmas, their first time having sex together, their first outdoor picnic. He remembers their painful break-ups, all the misunderstandings, the time in the elevator when everything seemed impossible, he recalls her touch, the gentle kiss, the kisses that said goodbye when he didn't want to.

All the times that he's let her go, the times when he tried to hold on, he tried so hard to keep her by his side, but he got weary from trying. He realises that he was sick of always being the one doing the chasing, like he was the only one that cared, he was tired of being left behind and feeling like the back-up plan when she couldn't find another way around. Part of him is resentful for that, and he remembers the last time they talked about them, or at least, the idea of them.

"...and the next time we try, we'll either sink or swim." He's been jumping out of sinking boats, and they're been searching for help in different directions each time they've split. But it's different now, isn't it? He's changed, and what he sees of Serena, he believes she's changed too. It's almost like she doesn't need saving anymore, she's saving herself, she's no longer that fragile blonde of his wildest dreams, the untouchable angel, she's more grounded now, she's grown up.

She doesn't think she's the star of his book. It seems like it's Blair, but nobody really knows. He doesn't know either, somewhere along the way, the lines started blurring, and he thought he had a shot with Blair, because everything suddenly seemed right, but things aren't always what they seem to be.

The thing about Serena, she was his first. And firsts don't change, they'll always be there, somewhere, and there's no way you can ignore them because that's just the way they're made. He's had so many memories with her by his side, he can almost breathe in her scent, take in her beauty, and in a way, he dreams of her without realising it.

He doesn't know how much he misses her. Blair challenged him to go beyond his boundaries, to be someone stronger, better, more independent, someone like herself, or at least how she liked to see herself. But he misses the old him. He misses being close with his family, rambling when he's nervous, misses asking his little sister for fashion advice before a date he's nervous for. More than anything, he misses chuckling to himself when he hears her laughter. The childish, four-year-old laugher, hearty and innocent, as much as he'll try, he won't forget that about her.

The next few weeks are a flurry of meetings with directors, producers, agents, publicists, and more often than not, he feels himself drifting off and letting his people sort out the finer details. Unlike most people in the business, he doesn't care for the fame or the money, even if people think otherwise. He's happy that he gets to tell the story he wants it told, and that's good enough for him. He's a writer, not a businessman, and he's perfectly fine with that. He has coffee, lunches and sometimes dinners with Serena, and they have endless talks about everything and anything. He knows she's out of her comfort zone, having to work for her future, and during these long discussions, his mind wanders off from the topics and focusses on who he sees her to be.

He knows her, he just does. He sees her for who she wants to be - the stronger person that doesn't want to be judged for the stupid mistakes she's made. She craves for love, for protection, that's why she's put up walls and run away countless times. Sometimes, he just wants to wrap his arms around her and tell her that it's alright to let herself be vulnerable again, but he doesn't. He's proud of her for trying to be better, and he tries to, as well. Tries not to judge others. It's hard, but he tries nevertheless.

Unconsciously, they settle into a pattern. It's a friendship they never had the chance to have, and he keeps feeling like it could be something more, but they're learning more about each other every day. It's better this way, he realises. This way, when they try again, they'll swim together.


End file.
